Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) abuse often exhibit behaviors that resemble addiction to the narcissist. This phenomenon can be explained through a combination of psychological, emotional, and neurobiological mechanisms. I tell my clients, “Imagine a hypodermic needle in your arm that your NPD put there, and every day a drop of heroin goes into your veins. Even though you know you need to get away, the need for this drug keeps you connected to your abuser”.
Here’s a breakdown of why this happens:
- Trauma Bonding
At the core of this “addiction” is trauma bonding, a deep emotional attachment that forms between a victim and their abuser through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement.
- Intermittent reinforcement: The narcissist alternates between affection and cruelty, praise and criticism. This unpredictability strengthens emotional dependence, similar to how gambling addicts become hooked by the chance of a reward.
- Victims become conditioned to crave the narcissist’s approval and affection, even after being repeatedly hurt.
2. Chemical Addiction (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Cortisol)
Narcissistic abuse causes fluctuations in brain chemicals, much like substance addiction.
- Dopamine: When the narcissist is loving or charming, the brain releases dopamine, creating a “high.”
- Oxytocin: Physical or emotional intimacy increases oxytocin, which promotes bonding, even to an abusive partner.
- Cortisol: During stress and fear (like during abuse), cortisol levels spike. The body then seeks relief, often through the very person causing the stress, creating a vicious cycle.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
Victims often struggle with conflicting realities:
- The narcissist can be kind, loving, or charismatic at times.
- But they are also manipulative, controlling, and cruel.
This contradiction creates cognitive dissonance, a psychological discomfort that the brain tries to resolve. Many victims rationalize or minimize abuse to maintain the belief that the relationship is still worth saving, reinforcing their attachment.
4. Low Self-Esteem and Gaslighting
Over time, narcissists erode their victim’s self-esteem through:
- Gaslighting: Making the victim doubt their memory, perceptions, or sanity.
- Devaluation: Constant criticism, blame-shifting, or withholding affection.
This creates a sense of dependence, where victims start to believe they can’t survive or be loved by anyone else.
5. Hope for the “Good Times”
Victims often cling to the early phase of the relationship (the “love bombing” stage which usually lasts 6-8 months) when the narcissist was charming, attentive, and idealizing them. They believe that if they just try hard enough, they can get that person back.
This hope mirrors the craving aspect of addiction, longing for a return to the initial euphoria.
6. Isolation and Control
Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support systems. This increases dependency on the narcissist, making it harder to leave.
Summary Analogy to Addiction:
- Narcissist = addictive substance.
- Love bombing = the high.
- Abuse = the crash/withdrawal.
- Reconciliation = the hit after withdrawal.
- Staying = the dependency cycle.
Recovery Requires:
- Breaking the trauma bond (often through no contact or limited contact).
- Rebuilding self-worth and reality through therapy (especially with someone trained in trauma and NPD recovery).
- Understanding the dynamics of abuse to prevent relapse (returning to or idealizing the narcissist).
Here are key recovery strategies and resources that help break free from the emotional addiction to a narcissist and heal from narcissistic abuse:
Core Recovery Strategies
1. Go No Contact (or Low Contact, especially if children are involved & contact is necessary.)
- No contact means cutting all forms of communication: phone, text, social media, and mutual friends.
- If children or shared responsibilities prevent no contact, low contact with strong boundaries is essential.
Why it works: Reduces the “dopamine cravings” triggered by contact and starts to break the trauma bond.
2. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Look for therapists who specialize in:
- Narcissistic abuse
- Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)
- Codependency recovery
Modalities that help:
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Helps reprocess traumatic memories.
- IFS (Internal Family Systems): Supports healing inner wounded parts.
- Somatic Therapy: Reconnects the body and nervous system after chronic emotional stress.
3. Educate Yourself
Understanding NPD and abuse patterns helps reframe your experience and reduce self-blame.
Recommended Books:
- Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
- Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie
- Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (especially if codependency is a factor)
- Divorcing and Healing From A Narcissist by Dr. Theresa J. Covert
- The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza
- IT’S NOT YOU by Ramani Durvasula PhD
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride, PhD
- Narcissistic Fathers by Andy Gardner
4. Journaling & Inner Work
Journal every memory you have of the abuse you have experienced with the NPD. Write down every time they hurt you, rejected you, avoided you, embarrassed and humiliated you, ruined a holiday or special occasion, etc. Each time you begin to grow weak and begin rationalizing the bad manipulating behaviors of the NPD, get your journal and begin reading your past experiences.
Daily journaling helps release stored emotions and patterns.
Prompts for Inner Work:
- “What did I learn about myself today?”
- “What part of me still wants their approval, and why?”
- “When I feel pulled back toward them, what’s really underneath that feeling?
5. Rebuild Your Identity
Victims often lose their sense of self. Start rediscovering:
- Your likes and dislikes
- Personal boundaries
- Core values and dreams
- Independent hobbies and social circles
6. Create a Strong Support Network
- Connect with friends or family who are validating and safe.
There are several online and in-person support groups specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse. These groups offer validation, shared experience, and emotional support—essential for healing from the trauma and confusion caused by narcissistic relationships.
Top Online Support Groups for NPD Victims
1. Reddit – r/NarcissisticAbuse
- Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/
- Why it helps: Large, active community; peer advice; anonymous; emotional validation.
- Topics: Healing, no-contact strategies, shared stories, emotional flashbacks.
2. Facebook Support Groups
Search for:
- “Narcissistic Abuse Recovery”
- “Daughters/Sons of Narcissistic Mothers/Fathers”
- “Survivors of Narcissists”
These groups are usually private or secret, offering confidentiality and moderated discussions. They’re good for real-time engagement and community support.
3. Out of the FOG
- Website: https://outofthefog.website
- Offers support for dealing with people with personality disorders, including narcissists.
- Community forums: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/
- Includes tools like a glossary of narcissistic traits and behavior patterns.
4. Psychopath Free Community
- Based on the book Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.
- Forum: https://forums.psychopathfree.com
- Focused on healing from narcissists, sociopaths, and emotional manipulators.
5. Narcissist Abuse Support
- Website: https://narcissistabusesupport.com
- Offers support groups, recovery coaching, and local resources.
- Also provides educational materials about narcissism, gaslighting, trauma bonds, and recovery.
6. Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse MeetUp Groups
- Site: https://www.meetup.com
- Search for “narcissistic abuse recovery” or “toxic relationship support” in your area.
- Many cities offer in-person or virtual group therapy meetups.
Trauma-Informed Therapy Communities (Optional but Helpful)
- 7 Cups of Tea: https://www.7cups.com – free, anonymous peer support with trained listeners.
- www.Cairocounselingandassociates.com
- www.nvsyndrome.quora.com
Why You Might Still Feel “Hooked”
Even after going no contact, it’s common to experience:
- Cravings for the narcissist’s validation
- Intrusive thoughts or dreams
- Guilt or shame for “giving up”
- “Magical thinking”, hoping they’ll change
These are withdrawal symptoms. They don’t mean you’re weak. They mean you’re detoxing from emotional manipulation.
Final Thought
Breaking free from a narcissist is less about “forgetting them” and more about reclaiming yourself. You’re not addicted to the person, they’ve trained your nervous system to respond to manipulation, and your healing is about retraining it toward safety, love, and truth.
