What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when we consciously or unconsciously hinder our own success, well-being, or goals. It’s the inner conflict that causes us to act against our best interests, like procrastinating on important work, ruining healthy relationships, or downplaying our achievements.
It’s not that we don’t want to succeed; rather, part of us feels afraid, unworthy, or unsafe with success, change, or attention. So, without even realizing it, we throw up roadblocks.
Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
Some examples include:
- Procrastination or avoidance
- Negative self-talk or harsh inner criticism
- Overcommitting and burning out
- Perfectionism
- Fear of failure or fear of success
- Starting strong, then giving up just before the finish line
If you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop of “almost getting there” but never quite arriving, self-sabotage might be at play.
Why Does Self-Sabotage Happen?
Self-sabotage isn’t irrational, it often comes from old, protective strategies that once served a purpose. Here are a few reasons why it shows up:
1. Fear of Change
Change, even positive change, can feel threatening. If your nervous system equates success or happiness with instability, you may unconsciously resist it.
2. Low Self-Worth
When deep down we don’t feel deserving of love, happiness, or success, we’ll find ways to prove those beliefs true by derailing our progress.
3. Internalized Messages
Messages from childhood, culture, or past trauma can echo in our minds: “Don’t be too much,” “People like you don’t succeed,” or “Play it safe.” These scripts shape our behaviors until we consciously challenge them.
4. Control and Predictability
Strangely, familiar struggle feels safer than unfamiliar success. Sabotage gives a sense of control over disappointment: “At least if I mess it up, I saw it coming.”
How to Begin Healing Self-Sabotage
Here are steps clients can take to start breaking the cycle:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Notice your patterns. What triggers sabotage? How do you feel just before you procrastinate, lash out, or give up? Awareness is the first step to change.
Reflective Question:
“When I get close to something I want, what thoughts or fears arise?”
2. Name the Fear Beneath the Pattern
Is it fear of rejection? Fear of not being enough? Fear of disappointment? Bringing the fear into the light helps defuse its power.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Shaming yourself for sabotaging only deepens the pattern. Instead, try:
“There’s a part of me that’s afraid. That’s okay. I’m learning a new way.”
4. Reframe Your Inner Narrative
Catch critical or limiting self-talk and challenge it. Ask:
“Is this voice protecting me or limiting me?”
5. Take Micro-Commitments
Start small. Prove to yourself, gently and consistently, that it’s safe to succeed, to be seen, and to grow.
6. Seek Support
Working with a counselor can help you uncover root beliefs, heal inner wounds, and develop supportive strategies.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken
Self-sabotage is not a sign of failure, it’s a signal. A sign that some part of you is still trying to stay safe the only way it knows how.
When you respond with curiosity rather than criticism, everything changes. You begin to rewrite the story. You realize that you can feel safe with success, that you do deserve love and growth.
Change isn’t instant but it is possible. One kind choice at a time.
Self-Sabotage Handout and Worksheet Link
