The addiction, a victim of narcissistic abuse develops toward their abuser is not just emotional, it’s neurochemical, psychological, and deeply rooted in trauma. This phenomenon is often referred to as trauma bonding, and it’s why many victims feel trapped, obsessed, or unable to break free, even when they logically understand the relationship is harmful.
Here’s a breakdown of why this happens:
1. Intermittent Reinforcement (Emotional Gambling)
Narcissists use a pattern of hot-and-cold behavior, praising you one moment, then punishing or ignoring you the next. This is a form of intermittent reinforcement, the same psychological principle that makes slot machines so addictive.
- The brain craves the next “high” (a compliment, affection, apology).
- The unpredictability creates a powerful behavioral loop, similar to gambling addiction.
- The inconsistency wires the brain to obsessively seek approval and validation from the abuser.
2. Chemical Addiction to Stress and Relief Cycles
The narcissistic abuse cycle floods the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, followed by oxytocin and dopamine during brief moments of affection or apology (manipulation).
Over time, the body becomes addicted to this rollercoaster of emotional intensity, mistaking it for passion or love.
- Cortisol = stress when devalued or discarded.
- Dopamine/oxytocin = reward when idealized or love-bombed.
- This cycle creates a chemical dependency on the abuser as both the source of pain and the only source of relief.
3. Trauma Bonding (A Biological Survival Response)
Trauma bonding is a survival mechanism that forms when a person is repeatedly harmed by someone who also provides moments of care or connection.
- The mind justifies the abuse to maintain the bond.
- The victim becomes loyal to the abuser, confusing survival with love.
- The trauma bond feels like love but is actually a result of psychological conditioning.
4. Low Self-Worth and Cognitive Dissonance
Narcissists often erode the victim’s self-esteem over time, causing them to believe they are unworthy of better treatment.
- Victims may think, “Maybe it’s my fault,” or “If I change, things will improve.”
- Cognitive dissonance occurs when the mind tries to reconcile the abuser’s cruelty with the occasional kindness, creating confusion and loyalty.
5. Isolation and Dependency
Narcissists frequently isolate their victims from friends, family, or sources of external validation.
- The abuser becomes the victim’s sole emotional reference point.
- This fosters emotional dependency, even in the presence of mistreatment.
6. Fear of Abandonment or Emptiness
Because narcissists condition victims to see themselves as unlovable without the abuser, the thought of leaving can feel like emotional death.
- Victims fear the loss of identity, purpose, or even reality.
- This fear reinforces the belief that staying is safer than leaving, even when staying causes immense pain.
7. Hope for the Return of the “Idealized” Version
At the start, narcissists often “love-bomb” their victims (approximately for 7-8 months) showering them with praise, gifts, and attention. Victims become addicted to that early version of the abuser and keep hoping it will return.
- The relationship feels like a puzzle: “If I just act right, maybe they’ll love me like before.”
- This false hope keeps victims emotionally hooked.
Conclusion: Love vs. Trauma
It’s important to understand that this addiction is not love. It is the product of psychological manipulation, chemical dependence, and emotional entrapment.
Healing begins when victims:
- Acknowledge the abuse for what it is.
- Begin to separate the fantasy of love from the reality of trauma.
- Seek support in therapy, community, and education, to reclaim their identity and emotional independence.
The “addiction” can be broken, but it requires understanding, compassion for oneself, and often professional help to rebuild a healthy sense of self and love.
