By Lara Ns
When someone cheats, lies, or betrays your trust in a way that cracks the whole foundation of your relationship, you want an apology that comes with some real ownership. But with a narcissist, you just get something vague and slippery. So, maybe it’s just enough to make you think they get it without them actually saying the words that you needed to hear. And the danger in this is that you end up forgiving someone who was never sorry in the first place; someone who has every intention of repeating their behavior as often as they can.
So, in this article, I’m going to walk you through five things narcissists say instead of apologizing. And as we go, I want you to mentally check off how many of these you’ve heard or even drop your own in the comments, because sometimes what they don’t say says everything.
So, now let’s get into the first thing narcissists say instead of apologizing:
1. “I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?”
Except the thing is, you don’t remember hearing those words at all. And if you’re being really honest with yourself, it’s because they never actually said it. Not in a way that was direct or in any way that took any sort of responsibility. But, deep down, you know when someone is truly sorry—like deep in their bones, sorry—there’s no hesitation. And there’s no gray area. You don’t have to squint and reread this subtext. You don’t have to replay the conversation in your head to find the one line that maybe felt a little bit like remorse. A real apology is clear and unmistakable.
And when the hurt is big, like betrayal, cheating, or a serious breach of trust, someone who’s genuinely sorry won’t say it like they’re checking off a box. And they’ll probably even say it more than once, not because you force them to, but because they can’t say it. So, when someone says, “I said I was sorry” with that edge in their voice, what they’re really saying is, “I am done talking about this.”
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
And let’s be honest, no matter who says this, this one almost always comes off as condescending. And even when it doesn’t, it’s still not an apology. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is kind of like saying, “Well, that sucks for you.”
And a close cousin of “I’m sorry you feel that way” is “I’m sorry you’re hurting.” And that comes off much kinder. But either way, there’s no accountability. And that accountability matters, especially after a major betrayal. So, for example, if someone cheats on you and all they can say is, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” they’re not showing any remorse, and they’re not taking ownership of the damage they caused. They’re just sort of acknowledging that you’re upset. It’s like saying, “It’s a shame you reacted that way,” instead of “I know I hurt you and I regret what I did.”
And listen, you may have even found yourself saying these phrases at one time or another. And there’s nothing wrong with them—there’s nothing wrong with these phrases as long as it’s clear that you are not taking accountability because these phrases should never be said in place of an apology. And don’t ever take them as one because that’s literally not what they mean. And if you take that to mean, “I regret my actions,” you’re reading into it.
3. “Let’s just move on.”
So, at first, this can sound like they’re just trying to keep the peace, right? But when someone’s betrayed you, especially in a big way, “Can we just move on?” is more like code for “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” They don’t want to answer questions. They don’t want to sit with how much it actually hurts you. They just want to hit reset and pretend everything’s fine. Narcissists are really notorious for asking for that clean slate: “Let’s just pretend none of this happened and move on.” Of course, they want to do this without doing anything to make it right.
And the worst part is that, unfortunately, it tends to work. A lot of us say yes because we want to believe that all of this is over. It’s painful, and we want to put it behind us. We want to believe that they get it and they’ll never do whatever it was that they did again. But here’s where it gets a little slippery. The second you start noticing the same behavior again—whether it’s another lie, a shady message, or something that just doesn’t add up—you bring up what is really a new problem that sounds a lot like the old problem, and you’re labeled as the problem. Because that’s when they’ll throw out something like, “I thought we were past this.” So now the conversation is not just about how they hurt you again in the same way; now you’re being shamed for noticing and calling it out.
And that clean slate they asked for was really never about moving forward; it was about wiping the record clean so they could repeat the pattern without being held accountable. And that’s exactly what they do.
4. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
And this one is so frustrating because you both know exactly what they said. Maybe it was during an argument and they got angry, lost their temper, and said something that hit way below the belt. In that moment, you froze. Or maybe you shut down. But deep down, you thought, “Okay.” Later, they’ll apologize when everything cools off and they realize that they crossed a line because that’s what you would do.
But that cool down moment comes, and they don’t apologize. Instead, when you bring it up, you get, “I didn’t mean it that way,” or “You just took it the wrong way.” And you’re just standing there like, “How else was I supposed to take it?” There was no nuance; it wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was just mean. And somehow they still won’t own it. And that’s what really gets you—not what they said in the heat of the moment, but the fact that even when they had the chance to make it right, they chose to protect their pride instead.
So, admitting that you’ve messed up is hard for pretty much everyone. But most people can do it. And more than that, in situations like this, most people want to do it. They want to say, “You know what? That was out of line. I shouldn’t have said that,” because they don’t want the hurt feelings lingering between you. But narcissists, instead of doing that, will double down. They’ll rewrite the whole conversation before they ever admit to doing anything wrong.
And after enough of those moments, you might end up feeling like a narcissist yourself because you can’t let these things go. A relationship with a narcissist will bring out the worst in you, and you can absolutely become obsessed with getting them to admit they’re wrong—even though you know they never will.
5. “You are blowing this all out of proportion.”
And this one usually shows up when you’re calm, clear, and finally speaking your truth. And it stings because, deep down, you know you’re not overreacting. You’re reacting exactly the way someone should when they’ve been betrayed. But a narcissist can’t just let that land. So instead of sitting with the impact of what they did, they zoom in on your reaction. They make your response the problem, and suddenly it becomes, “You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is,” or, “You’re being dramatic or too sensitive.”
And now you’re not just hurt; you’re defending why you’re hurt. And this is how they take the spotlight off their behavior and put it back on you. The more serious the transgression, the more likely they are to minimize it. Because if they can convince you that you’re overreacting, they don’t have to take responsibility at all. But the thing that’s really out of proportion is the way they expect you to carry the weight of their choices and stay quiet about it.
So, if any of this hit a nerve, you’re not alone. It’s really confusing when someone hurts you and somehow makes you feel like the one who’s out of line for speaking up.
